Salvation in a self help book

More and more, salvation can be found in a bookstore. Specifically, in the self-help section. All the answers to life put down in text, prescribed to you by wealthy and/or famous people who holiday and live in places where you wish YOU could. All your problems solved in 7,10 or 12 easy-to-do steps.
Alcohol problem? Check out the book on the bottom shelf, far left.
And this book teaches you that by harnessing your willpower and self-esteem, you can prevent yourself from waking up in a puddle of vomit outside Zouk without your pants on.
You can see the results in 5-7 weeks time.
Feel like commiting suicide? Drowning yourself? The breathing excercises in this book will help you find your center and make you feel good about yourself.

Self-help books range from the general to the most specific issues.
On one end of the spectrum, you have general books, the quick-fix to your pathetic little life, the literary messiah that will lead you to salvation and/or a bigger annual income. Think of these type of self-help books as Jesus Christ or God, no matter what the problem, read and you shall be saved.Learn these habits to make you a highly effective person, develop strategies that work for you, unleash the power of positive thinking. Trust the authors, they say their books work.
Of course, sometimes, these books are too general to address a specific topic you have. Basically, you have dumb for brains and cannot apply the instructions to your problem, and need it spelt out to you. Hence you need a book that focuses to a single, precise issue.Alcoholism to Zen healing. The A-Z of life's problems and solutions.
'Better Parenting' books next to 'Better Sex' books.
Mental Disorders? 2nd Shelf from the end.
Marriage Problems? Try this 28 step guide to better sex and communication with your spouse.
Breast Cancer? Why see a doctor when this book has all the answers ( A.N: Seriously i kid you not there's a self-help book for breast cancer)

Of Course, self-help books wouldn't be complete if they didn't satisfy the most basic need of modern man---MONEY. Cold hard cash, or numbers in your bank account. That's what draws people to self-help books. The ability to make money, to make more than what you earned before. The ultimate goal of course is to be rich. Disgustingly, ridiculously, insanely, filthy rich.

Your power animal will get you that promotion.

The only way to get that Lamborghini is to get rid of that self-defeating attitude.

Mastering your inner chakra means a bungalow by the sea.

Want to be in Forbes? This guide to mind-blowing oral sex is the key.

Self-help not about money? Lets not kid ourselves. You erect your four pillars of self-respect in order to maximize your productivity in the workplace and get a fatter pay-check. You attain personal freedom to feel free to make lots and lots of lovely moolah through any means necessary.

I reiterate: the main purpose of self-help books is to enhance your money-making ability. Most books give you the techniques on how to make more money. They just don't tell you to go MAKE MORE MONEY. The other books, those that comabt depression, mental disorders, addictions, sexual abuse, diseases etc, they make screwed-up people normal so they can buy the money-making books.

In the future, everybody will read read self-help books. They will be mandatory reading in schools. FUCK FICTION MAN WHAT CAN IT TEACH YOU!!

Does Animal Farm teach you to nurture your leadership ability? Increase your sucess quotient?

FUCK TWAIN FUCK DICKENS FUCK PALAHNIUK FUCK TOLKEN FUCK ROWLING FUCK SHAKESPEARE.

The shakespeare of the future is Anthony Robbins.

One self-help book will not be enough of course. With everybody reading them, chances are the person next to you also knows the 72 ways of absolute concentration. The only way, just to keep up with the others, is to learn more skills, more techniques, read more "___________For Dummies" books. You can see where this is going. How do you get ahead of people who are using the same methods to get ahead of you? And so, for most people life will be a never-ending quest of self-improvement with no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. YOU SELF-IMPROVE, then you die.

Who will rule the world in the future? Not America, not China, not Christians, not Terrorists but the self-help book industry. Surely you know this is coming. Publishers and authors will tell you waht to think, what habits to practise, how you should embrace life..... And the people will thirst for more and more and more. The Koran, the Bible, other religious scriptures, nobody will read those anymore. The new god is "I",and his holy book is self-improvement.